RTMx3

RTMx3

The greatest moment of clarity I have ever known, was right before I died.

I have the honor or, misfortune, depending on how you view it, of belonging to an extremely elite group of people- those that know what it is to die, to remember the moment and to have returned and survived, unscathed.

It was July 2000, Seattle Washington, USA, a quick vacation away from our home in Vancouver, a lunch and coffee and a quick walk on a cold day.

I died from a combination of Anaphylactic shock, an over panicked good Samaritan who pumped an entire vial of epinephrine into my veins and unknowing Paramedics who upon arrival, gave me a full vial of adrenalin.

The combination of everything sent my Blood pressure spiraling downward, while my body high on adrenalin was panting so hard for breath I was burning a hole in my lungs, or so it felt. In the end, as a paramedic stared me in the face begging me to stay with them, I realized within myself how best to stop the intense pain in my lungs. I consciously chose to stop breathing.

As the paramedic spoke ,” BP below 50 , we are losing him”, I stopped trying to breathe.

The pain subsided, peace enveloped the hallway where I was stretchered and a sense of calm overcame the entire melee, I was without pain or fear, it was seductive and beautiful, in the words of Ronald Reagan, “to slip the surly bonds of earth”, and drift away.

My problem ever since is that it was such an amazing experience Id almost gladly do it again, any day of the week. A feeling that has become stronger every year since.

Even now, I sometimes just close my eyes, inhale, exhale and pretend it’s my last. It is freeing, relaxing, clarity.

And there lay the question of the millennium….what is life, if we can’t have the freedom to choose - ourselves - when to die.

 It does not have to be a morbid concept, but sometimes you’re just done with this life and its time. There are days that I confess I truly am, what I have come to term, RTMx3.

I belong to another small group- those who have seen the moment of their parents’ death. I viewed the CCTV footage of the moment that a stroke took the last breathe from my mother and she fell lifeless to the floor. They say some things remain with you forever that most certainly does, there is no rewind or delete in the minds eye.

Death has plagued my life, my best friend killed himself when we were both 20, we both had such amazing lives ahead of us, he lost his - I felt guilt whenever I enjoyed mine.

Suicide, natural death and accidents have claimed the most beautiful people I have had the pleasure and honor to meet, and to love. It saddens me sometimes to the extreme, and depression was a big part of my life for almost twenty years until I took a spiritual walk among the Incas and assailed Maccha Picchu and released the demons that had plagued me, otherwise known as guilt.

Had I not had such an amazing life and career, I may also feel differently. A need to do more, or achieve greater, earn more or to fight for a better tomorrow.

Truth is, my life has been blessed with fullness so much so that I feel greedy at times for the luck I have enjoyed. Twenty six years of Publishing, a solid career as a writer for newspapers and magazines for over 20 years , in addition to my primary career as a chef, investment good fortune and more travel than most would deem believe-able.

Before her death at 73, my mother had found the day to day routine of life to sometimes be dull and tiresome, she often asked me, ”Is this all there is?”. 

My mother was done with life. The one thing that gives me slight peace when I cry from missing her, is that she too was RTMx3. 

She was done living the life expected, caring for another, shopping for the daily goods, surviving until death would take her. 

When it did, I truly believe she was ready and happier to be at peace.

Like anything, these thoughts are not for all

We would not be individuals if we did not have individuality of thought.( and this is a personal blog- Im not asking for agreement, Im stating personal thoughts of me only)

I am not condoning suicide, although I believe it is a horrid name given to an act of freedom and choice we should all be allowed if so desired.

No one is right or wrong, its not that kind of decision or question. It’s a personal thing, that only the individual can know for themselves.

Some decide to wait until the end,; the dying breathe of older age before they relent or agree that time has come, I am just fine today, tomorrow or anytime a higher power so desires.

Some have the decisions made for them by destiny, accident or the hands of others, and then there are us , those who can profess loudly and proudly that we are RTMx3 a breed of people with the ultimate decision known that should tomorrow start without us, then all is good. We lived, we came, we saw and now when time comes, so be it, we are ready for what lay beyond.

We are not insane, we are clear of mind and solid of body, so much so that we are perhaps the best judges of life itself.

For myself, I have travelled widely, seen places of magic and mystery, laid on beaches so clear it is the stuff of others dreams, flown high, flown in balloons and jumped from planes, I have swum deep in the waters of Mexico, gamed fished off Hawaii and dipped my toes in the sands of more shores than most could desire to ever do. I have walked the trails of Incas and Chinese warriors, and seen more famous buildings that my bucket list ran dry before did I.

I have lived a life of freedom due to skill and luck, and throughout it all I have remained at the front end of my career and not yet lagged behind. I am my own teacher and student, and have been blessed to work with the best within my chosen field.

Simply put, I’ve lived more in one life than most. I’ve tired of the race , I’ve tired of the games and the needs of others, Im still forging ahead in the daily duties and requirements but I too wonder the same as my mother asked, “ Is this all there is ?”. 

Work, work, work, save, save, save – for what ? To be the richest person in the cemetary ?

To pass leaving others a treasure trove of condos and cash !

There just comes a time when enough is enough, and decisions need to be made. 

Freedoms sought.

And confessions made.

Like Winston Churchil stated decades before me

“I am prepared to meet my maker, whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me, is another matter”

And so speak I ........ I am RTM x3

I am  READY TO MEET MY MAKER…..at any time he so desires.

And when destiny strikes, Ill shake His hand and simply state, “what took so long?”

I leave you with words of another which I adore to listen to often;

When tomorrow starts without me

And I’m not there to see

If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me

I wish so much ; you wouldn’t cry

The way you did today

While thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you

And each time you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too

But when tomorrow starts without me

Please try to understand

That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand

And said my place was ready

in Heaven far above

And that Id have to leave behind - all those I dearly loved

But as I turned to walk away

A tear fell from my eye

For all my life Id always thought I didn’t want to die

I had so much to live for - So much left yet to do

It seemed almost impossible - that I was leaving you

I thought of all the yesterdays

The good ones and the bad I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had

If I could relive yesterday

Just even for a while

Id say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile

But then I fully realized that this could never be

For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.

And when I thought of all the things I might miss come tomorrow

I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow

And when I walked through Heavens gates

I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me from his great Golden throne

He said, “this is eternity and all I promised you”

Today you life on earth has passed

But here, life starts a new

I promise no tomorrow

But today will always last

And since each day is the same, there is no longing for the past”.

You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true

Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do

But you have been forgiven and now at last you ‘re free

So wont you come and take my hand and share my life with me….

Watch the amazing video on this link: (https://vimeo.com/105113459)

Chef's Secretary - the office is now closed.

Chefs are a tough bunch, but there are things that reduce even us to tears.
The loss of a mother, the loss of a friend and the loss of someone who is both friend and mother, confidant and team member.

Today April 25th 4.30pm the Philippines lost someone who was such to many, Marichu Salindong , who had bravely battled cancer for too long, and finally relented to the battle.

Marichu was a strong woman. She had to be.
As Chef's Secretary for 25 years she had seen so many egos come and go. Too many.
Some she liked, some she stood and others she just had to work beside and with.
She was an amazing woman.
Even though I was an expat and newbie to the Manila Peninsula Hotel in 2014 she supported me, told me the tricks to things and helped me when the tricks did not work in my favor.
Sharing an office with one Chef was not easy, but Marichu shared an office with several of us. Tensions at times ran high.
She calmed us, gave us sweets, shared a laugh and turned our moods back in the right direction so that we could go back out and run the domains where were hired to run.

For a long time I never knew Marichu had suffered Breast Cancer before I joined the company. Why would I. She never spoke about it, she had won that battle. When I found out I apologised for some of the tough days I had ranted about. She said," a lot of chefs have sat in those chairs and said the same things, they come - they go and yet Im still here."
She had an unbelievable strength, and her attitude made me realise how replaceable we as chefs, especially Expats truly are.
She was right, we come, we go and while we leave a mark, we eventually are replaced and forgotten about.
Some staff such as her, stay the course and see it all.
She had a Powerpoint presentation which made me laugh, a collection of all the Executive Chefs who had sat in the big chair. We came to talk about the Executive Chefs chair as though it was the same one on Game of Thrones, eventually they all "move on or lose their heads". In my two years we saw five Execs sit in the same chair. Some moved on, some we missed when they departed or just disappeared, some lost their heads and others we wished had.

The one thing I truly took away from working with Marichu was her ability to laugh it all away. Some chefs are just not nice people to work with and yet she could forget their nastiness and words, attitudes and egos and she could still have a great laugh with the next person through the door to the office.
In a message I received from her at Christmas she stated exactly as I felt about her and my own mother, "Remember our morning laughter 😊 bad tempers 😞 and later laughter again, I make you smile Aaron and you too always enlighten my day. I will never forget you".

Laughter is what makes the world go around and the ability to laugh between tough times is key to life.
Marichu and I could always find something to have great laugh about, even about ourselves, and that was what made working in a tough kitchen possible. She made working in a tough kitchen possible.

Since she left work, I did not see her again, we only chatted occasionally on Messenger. Something I feel bad about, but which she understood.
We had discussed in person my loss of my own mother and the depression I faced after that. Seeing Marichu - someone so strong in resolve, debilitated by Cancer yet again - made me cry just seeing some of her photos. Seeing her in person would have been very tough and not something she needed to face.
Chefs have ego's and are a tough breed- we have to be to survive what we go through- but we are just weakened little boys when our close friends are hurting and we can do nothing to help. I wish I could cook up a recipe to help her, but all my training let me down.

Today she has gone to a better place, one without pain and one where there are fewer Executive Chefs I hope to make her days tough.

I miss her daily laughs as much as I miss those of my own mother.
Every kitchen should have a woman as strong as Marichu Salindong, sitting in the Chef's Office.
She made the tough times bareable.
Today the office is closed, the secretaries chair is empty and many people in the Philippines and around the world lost an amazing friend.
Some days remain with you forever.
This is one of them.

Great article from APPY BISTRO (www.appybistro.com) and Parul Khanna. Very appreciative.

Patisserie Perfectionist: Chef Aaron Maree

BY APPY BISTRO ON FEBRUARY 26, 2016 • ( LEAVE A COMMENT )

 

 

 

 

 

 

21 Votes

It is quite natural to have sweet cravings and it one of the most satisfying feeling for our taste buds to enjoy great desserts but do you ever wonder the person who has created such an alluring dessert for us? A lot of people may not think about it but still there are many who do. Being a chef is not an easy task and being a pastry chef has its own challenges too. To become a pastry chef of highest repute, a lot of hard work and dedication is needed as pastry making or designing a dessert is an art to master. Today we would like to present one such master pastry chef who has perfect understanding of pastry elements and is an ultimate in patisserie perfection.

Meet Chef Aaron Maree, highly successful & highly talented International Pastry chef and a Dessert consultant, highly famous author of more than 15 cookbooks including the world famous cookbook “Arabian Dreams” on modern middle eastern desserts, which won him awards in Paris and with it, he could change the face of Middle Eastern Desserts globally. A vivid traveler & a great teacher.

Apart from that Chef Aaron has won many more awards & accolades, like he has been a “Fellow of the World Master Chefs Society”, has been proud recipient of Culinary Order of Merit, had been awarded Young Queenslander of the Year 1990 by QLD, Australia and Young Achiever Awards 1991 by Channel Nine – Australia apart from receiving an Advance Australia Award for Service to the Food Industry in year 1996. He also happens to be the Youngest TAFE Lecturer in Australia.

Aaron Maree, hails from Australia, highly educated from various prestigious culinary institutes across Australia, France, Switzerland & USA. His professional career started from England where he worked under pastry chef Brian Baker and took him back to Australia again as a lecturer. After teaching for 3 years, he went to New Zealand to work with Death by Chocolate Worldwide. After 7 years, this great chef returned to Australia one more time to be a chocolate consultant with Cadbury Schweppess.

There after he got a great opportunity and he started his full time pastry chef work when he joined Movenpick Restaurants of Switzerland, Canada as a Patissier. After this he started his own patisserie in Canada by the name Dip me in Chocolate which he winded up & sold later, moving on to take another opportunity with Holland America Line Cruise Ships, Seattle USA and managed the entire pastry operations with his team for various cruises, days at length.

With his excellent pastry knowledge & great experience, Chef Aaron got a great opportunity & a very challenging task to work at Al Rawdha Palace, Kingdom of Bahrain as an Executive Patissier catering to the Royalty & highest dignitaries of the Bahrain, which he handled very well for 7 years, after that he did pastry consultancy jobs with some Boutique hotels and private businesses in Abu Dhabi, Dubai, Bahrain and Los Angeles, USA.

This incredibly talented chef was judged & chosen to be one of the top 5 Pastry chefs of the Middle East for 2012 and rated as one of the Top 5 Food Guru’s of The Middle East. Currently with his vast experience & unparalleled expertise, he is handling the entire pastry operations at Peninsula Manila Hotel, Makati City, Manila with his team of 25 people.

We interviewed chef Aaron and would like to share the same with our viewers as it gives an insight into this great chef’s mind and his pastry passion:

Q: When did you decide to be a pastry chef?

A: I was 13 when I decided cooking was the career I wanted to work. I eventually found a job and was granted a beginner’s role of dishwashing and making garlic bread on the weekends. Weekends eventually lasted weeks and then i was given basic work such as buffet and salad mise-en-place to do. When i turned 14 the kitchen i was working in employed a Danish pastry chef and what he was doing with pastry I found amazing. I requested to work with him and began an apprenticeship in pastry that same year. 

4 years later I would be in London working for Gary Rhodes at the Castle Hotel, Taunton, later I worked at Hambleton Hall under another famed name Chef Brian Baker before returning to Australia at age 20.

Upon returning to Australia I was fortunate enough to find a publishing company interested in publishing a book concept I had and it was received well worldwide and the publishing house offered me a future whereby I published a total of 14 books. My last book with them was published in 2001.

Q: What has been the most rewarding moment in your career so far?

A: Meeting and working with some of the greatest chefs in the world is definitely a major plus of my career. I have been privileged in my career to travel a lot as well seeing 87 countries. But by far the biggest reward was receiving two awards in Paris for the last cookbook I wrote, ARABIAN DREAMS. It was a personal feat of writing, editing and photography and a pet project I wanted to thank the industry that had been so good to me for three decades. When it was praised and awarded it felt great.

To be honest though the entire career has been rewarding. More so than most could dream. I have published 16 books over my career, I have worked as a chocolate consultant to one of the largest chocolate companies, I have worked in franchising on a global level, i have had the ability to travel, have worked for a King and Queen and numerous world leaders, major brands of hotels and been corporate Pastry chef for some major companies. Its a ever changing career and it has been very rewarding all round.

Q: What has been the toughest thing you have done in your line of work?

A: Standing on your feet for thirty years and doing the hours. Its a tough job physically. Thankfully the amazing food we have created among the many teams I have worked with has been rewarding enough.

Q: What advise would you like to give to the new pastry chefs starting out in this field?

A: Do not come into the industry based on watching anything on television. It is a tough job and paid college courses do not prepare you for the level of stress, hours, and expectations of the brigade that you will encounter. I’m not sure that if I started today that even I would last the same thirty-three years I have worked in the industry. I’m very happy to be where I am in my career with the work and skills behind me now, rather than in-front of me.

It is though a fantastic career and allows you to work in so many countries and in more areas than virtually any other job, ships, restaurants, hotels, resorts, islands, stand alone businesses and eventually your own business, and always surrounded by amazing cakes and pastries.

Chef Aaron Maree is true pastry genius, he has earned a name & a great place for himself in the Patisserie world with his hard work, sincere dedication, absolute passion and un-parallel & unmatched patisserie skills and above all, for sharing his pastry knowledge with the world through his books. He is truly a great inspiration to all the new pastry chefs trying to make a place for themselves in the pastry world.

Cheers Chef Aaron Maree!

Post by: Parul Khanna / Appy Bistro

Picture courtesy: Aaron Maree

Love is ?

I wrote these words a few years ago now, under another guise and during a different stage in my life.
But the words are still relevant and worthy of a Valentines post.
With the world today, Feb 14th 2016 supposedly back in a Cold War, with tensions running high in numerous countries and fighting continuing in others, with politicians more interested in bickering with each other to win votes than actually solving problems today, with new diseases being found and old ones not yet cured, the words "I Love You" should perhaps be spoken more often to more people and we might find peace in areas we never thought possible, and loved ones might not leave us so soon, or at least not with out knowing how we feel about them.

Love Is ?                                                 

The only successful relationship I ever had, was with food. 

And even then I cheated.

February is about love. Albeit the mass market variety.  

St Valentines Day fills me with angst on so many levels. 

Some people find my theory on love quite bizarre, yet I find it even stranger that we must mark love with its own special day. Surely if love is a spontaneous and all encompassing emotion, it should be celebrated on a daily basis, not just by the marking of a particular day to express our feelings for another.

Perhaps it is a reflection of modern life, that we are just too busy to show emotion, take time out of our all too important daily tasks to remind those special in our lives that they are dear and loved to us? Perhaps if people stopped taking selfies, they might have time for others.

What exactly does St Valentines celebrate anyway? 

The secret unrequited love of a couple never met? 

A burning passion one can never achieve, or is it truly the celebration of a couple who have found true and ever lasting love?

I’m just not sure what kind of love I have felt in my life nor wether I’m worthy of the cards I receive. Does more than one card from different people make me a bad person or just lucky? 

Is it bad to send more Valentines cards than I do at Christmas? 

We do not all believe in Christmas but surely we do all believe in love! And to spread the feeling of love is a far better cause.

True love, unrequited love, pure love, never-ending love, unconditional love, undying love, puppy love, familial love, platonic love or a love that transcends time. When did something so simple, become so mind bogglingly complicated?

Some people seem to find love easy, some find it immensely difficult and others like me, find it perplexing.

I once worked as part of a small team. We were like the four Musketeers; just better looking!  

Our quartet consisted of a youthful Mr. Twenty something, two thirty something’s and myself at forty.(remember I wrote this a few years back)

We were a very stereo typical group of chefs. One in four marriages end in divorce and the elder of the two thirty some-things fit that bill.

The younger thirty something had been in one relationship all his life and was happily married, having found his true love early on.

Mr Twenty something, a young radical with spiky un-brushed hair full of “product” , styling mousse and texture putty was a good looking kid who found the game of love easy, yet the saying of the words immensely difficult.

To round out the quartet there was myself. Forty, single and typical of our star sign Aries.

Aries people have life tough. 

We are by birth, lovers and playboys. Read any astrological page and they tell you we are players of the game; lovers who act compulsively. It’s not our fault. The stars simply align themselves every time we pass a person of the opposite sex. 

A cosmic wave fills me, there and then with love!

It is not a game. It’s very serious. For me, love expresses how I feel. Right then! Right there! I can walk down the street and fall in love every ten feet.

It sounds like fun, but you have no idea. 

A simple task of shopping can take hours and I’ll return home with a hundred new phone numbers.

My therapist says this stems, not only from my star sign, but my size. 

I have and always will be a little on the big side. Since childhood I have known the taunts one can receive for being different. I do not necessarily stand out like a sore thumb, more like a pumpkin on a tomato vine. To say it simply, I felt sometimes un-loved as a child. I know what power this simple word can hold.

Saying “I LOVE YOU” , means far more to hear, than it does to say.

Mr Twenty something , even in a relationship with a person for whom he has “feelings”, finds the word difficult to verbalise. 

His is a set of principals and beliefs I respect from an age gone by, whilst Mr Divorcee never wants to hear or say the words again for fear of the financial ramifications.

But to make others feel loved even for a second, is an amazing experience to share. 

As Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote,” Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all”.

Perhaps if the world could relate to these three little words, like I do, we would have far less wars and unrest. 

We all deserve to be loved and to find love, even if for a fleeting moment whilst shopping.

For me, just to hear the words, to read them, to write them or to type them to another, fills my day with joy.

Imagine seven billion people feeling the way I do. 

It would be like the sixties all over again! Would that be so bad?

Happy Valentines Day and may love find you all where ever you are and what ever your situation.

Screaming Silently For Help - Suicide is not the answer

I have read much since the recent tragic death of famed Chef Benoit Violier and I normally do not enter into such subjects, but having been on the front line of chefs depression I feel some people see chefs not like we really are, while the rest of us need to realise that feeding the elite is not the end of the world, and that life consists of greater wonders than just "stars" and accolades.

The death of anyone is tragic, the death of numerous famed chefs in recent times is definately a case of our industry members "Screaming Silently for Help", that our industry needs to address.

Many commentators have hinted that the only reason someone might resort to such tragic means is the stress of seeking perfection, striving for a Michelin Star or the hours worked by obsessed chefs.

Of course that is definitely part of it.

But from one who has suffered his own bouts of depression during a 33 year career I can state that the major problem with chefs, is that we just don’t deal with life like everyone else. 

Unlike many, we suck at life, because we don’t always deal with issues the same way others do. 

We compartmentalize our lives, because that is how we need to run our kitchens. 

If we reacted to everything that happened in the kitchen, our brigades would be a mess, our service would fall apart and nothing would get plated. We compartmentalize and deal with things when we have time, we prioritize and we time to perfection so that the right ingredients hits the plate first and the meals get sent out hot, that functions for thousands get served fresh and by multiple kitchens without the guests ever wondering how and so that delays never occur.

During any given day I’m putting into its own little boxes the issues of staff, their lateness, sick leaves, days off, scheduling and problems with their production, running several kitchens at once, a pastry department, bakery, chocolate room, issuing food to more areas, several restaurants need to be delivered their food on time, quality needs to be checked as does the set up of the food. Functions, banquets and promotions need to be prepared, menus written, ordering completed on time and in advance to have goods arrive in time for the events. On top of this there are the demands of management and the corporation, the issues of modern social media and guests complaints, daily meetings and proposals put forward for new equipment, broken equipment and repairs needed, some urgent, some not .

On top of this I need to find time myself to cook, to assist in production or at least to make the samples of future menus so that others know what to prepare for upcoming affairs. I need to be a fun chef to work with within a team, I need to be strict and afford respect, sometimes I need to give warnings and scold, I need to deal with bosses, immediate and higher as well as unions and their issues, I need to deal with multiple managers thinking they know my job better than I do, Executive Chefs who command the entire brigade, yet have no idea of my own stresses and often no idea of my job as a pastry chef , the time it takes to make perfection and Food and Beverage Directors, F& B managers, supervisors, departmental managers of banqueting, stores and more, all having issues with me and my department of which I need to quell and placate.

Everyone of these items is boxed and dealt with over time.

Remember most of us start this career young. Very young,

We enter kitchens with little more than a desire for great food or simple need for a job.

We learn our management styles on the job, and usually from the chef who first took us under their own wing to train us.

As youths we obsess about our careers because having left school early, this pretty much is all we have to support ourselves.

We depend upon our wits, our own resources of - hands, mind and speed to become something within our career, to be noted people and to be commanders of our realms.

Like cutting fine “brunoise” that we train to chop to perfect cubes, so too our lives become perfect “brunoise” cubes into which we slot our lives, lives we are missing out on, leaving behind and are too busy to deal with.

I started working in the kitchen at 13, I worked my ass off trying to become something, I entered every salon-culinaire, every local competition, even state fairs and regional shows to get noted by local newspapers.

It worked.

I ventured further to win scholarships, trips overseas and eventually big enough prizes that saw time taken off my apprenticeship. This in turn saw me travel internationally to work with Michelin starred chefs and more importantly with a chef striving for his own first Michelin Star.

The pressure to perform, the hours and the precision was tantamount.

For little money in a foreign land I worked stupid hours to gain under his command, a Michelin Star, which meant something to him, and very little to me.

I returned to my homeland at 20 years of age, smarter, stronger and ready to publish my first book and start to process of somewhat stardom. It came quickly thereafter and one successful book turned into more, turned into newspaper columns, television requests and demonstrations.

At 21,  I awoke to a phone call that my best friend from school had killed himself.

My life unraveled quickly thereafter.

Until that moment, that very phone conversation and his terrible act I had not once stopped to think of anything, anyone or any celebration, be it birthday, anniversary or family occasion since I entered the kitchen 8 years earlier.

I was obsessed with food, I lived, ate and breathed my trying to get better, trying to get famous and trying to get to the top of my career and  I forgot the world around me.

Chefs are busiest when the rest of the world wants to celebrate. They all enjoy Christmas - we chefs, work for a week to prepare for it, the following week they celebrate New Years, we work from December 26^th to build up to it.

As a pastry chef this fight continues for another 6 months without as much as a day off to ourselves.  On January 1^st we begin to prepare for Valentines, then Chinese New Year, then Easter, then Mothers Day, then Fathers Day and the list continues.

We finish one celebration by immediately thinking of the next.

During it all, we forget events of our own.

We compartmentalize the issues of relationships, the anger of girlfriends and wives, the needs of family and the pressures of lives outside the kitchen. We box and store our own needs, our health, our families.

We snack during shifts, we dine on junk food because its fastest way to avoid hunger during quick needs of sleep, often we partake of recreational and other drugs to give us the happiness or drive to wake and do it all again. Many of us just resort to coffee by the liter, smoking and other vices to take the edge off.

We box and store our family. We miss their birthdays and garner anger from them for being self absorbed.

We are not.

We are absorbed by the worlds dining needs.

And the desires of our selves and our bosses to come up with more creative and innovative food than others.

We research and think food even when we are not in the kitchen.

Then one day one of our perfect “brunoise” cubes of storage explodes, whether it be our health, our relationships, our family or the death of a friend.

And the world falls apart for us.

We juggle these little compartments of life so well, that when one tips, so too does our entire world implode.

It happened to me at 21 when my friend committed suicide, and took me years to battle back from the precipice of self-destruction.

I walked away from an amazing future, but had to.

I took entire years off work and travelled seeking the answers to my own demons. My family suffered again as I disappeared on journeys into self-discovery and to find the person I was when I was not being a chef.

It occurred again at the death of my mother and the battle this time was harder, because I awoke from my food obsession to realize that with her death, so too was I older, unhealthier and had missed so much of my own life and hers.

I had missed,this time 20 years of birthdays, Christmases, New Years, lovers had come and gone in their dozens and I was alone without the most amazing person in the world to confide in anymore.

Some days it was just too much to handle.

It is not always just the pressure of the kitchen that tips our scales to the side of self-destruction.

It can sometimes be the waking moment that makes us un-juggle everything and realize that having given this career so much, that we have in fact lost everything else.

I have 16 cookbooks to my career, have fed the most famous of people and worked with Kings and Queens, I have travelled, demonstrated to hundreds, and been lauded over in print, yet I can no longer talk to my best friend, I have no mother to which to confide and relationships remain a struggle.

Imagine on top of this all, gaining a third Michelin star only to realize that the stuggle to get there, was nothing like the remaining daily struggle to keep it , and then what might happen if you did not? The pressure is self imposed yes, but it does not make the pressure any less.

I feel so sorry that over recent years we have lost such an incredible number of chefs who felt they had no options.

I can only imagine how many more we have lost that never get reported to the press and fall into obscurity because they are strugglers who never found the fame enough to validate column inches in newspapers and print media. Regular chefs who have suffered self imposed stresses only to slip in their own juggling acts and fall off the cliff that is perfection.

I understand the battle like few do.

I have paid the rent for myself since the age of 16 and having no means of support if I stop work, then I have had no choice but to continue working ever since.

If I have taken time away and walk the earth looking for myself and to tame the demons within, then it is only me who needs to work harder thereafter to save the money for my own future.

A double edged sword of life, where even in times of serenity you feel the stresses of who will pay the bills soon after.

I never battled for the second or third Michelin star, but since the age of 21 , I have been in the position of Executive Pastry Chef with cookbooks to my name.

Stresses came from never being able to really ask for help, as I was suppose to be the guide for others. I have had to learn on the job, how to manage while managing,

I have had to learn for myself new techniques while at the same time teaching techniques to others and I have had to remain strong for my teams when I myself may not have been strong enough for myself.

Cooking is a tough career. 

Chefs are amazing people who hold everything within themselves because we have little choice to do anything else. We need to command a brigade who needs our strength to guide them. We have to act strong even if we are not feeling such inside ourselves. Feeding others is a daily job and today everyone expects value for money and photographable food, otherwise they let the rest of the world know about it without thinking of what we have had to go through to put it before them. Perhaps diners need not know, but it does not diminish the issue for us.

Our strength is that we can compartmentalize and store the needs of ourselves over everything else.

But it is also one reason why we suck at life.

If we did another job, we might be able to take time out, take sick leave or take time to unwind and sort out all the little boxes in our heads. To arrange neatly our relationships with family, friends and lovers, to go to dinner with, to celebrate with and to take time to listen to them.

But then who would feed the rest of the world while we did? Right ?

If you find the pressures of life getting to you, I beg of you all to talk to someone you trust. 

I tried therapists and psychiatrists but nothing helped like a good friend.

Chefs do not open up often, but I beg of you to try.

Outside of our bubbles , life continues and despite what we think, the world will not fall apart nor will they starve if we are not present.

Much of the pressure we feel is self imposed and it is only after we get away from the stoves for a period of time that we can see that.

There is no weakness in taking time out. Chefs do not suck at life, we just deal with it all differently to others.

There is no weakness in needing help or asking for someone to just listen.

Please do, before your own juggling act becomes unbalanced and tumbles into a battle for self survival.

Benoit Violier RIP 1971- 2016