Over the past year or so I have been hit hard by personal loss of loved ones and friends. I am not ashamed to say that depression hit me like a brick wall and I have suffered greatly at the hands of it.
But rather than quietly shy away from the subject I have written often of it. Some, will never understand why, others, mostly friends who are chefs who have also done 20-30 or 40 years in the kitchen will understand and hopefully appreciate why.
Too few of us speak of personal struggles. We are men of the kitchen, Arrogance , ego and strength are ours , must be to hold the kitchens together and battle through no matter what during functions, staff absences and emergency orders.
But while we hold it together at work, there is often a private battle going on at home and in the after hours.
When I was young and just starting out in the 80’s we called the older guys , sad, sorry and alcoholics. For a few years I never though about that again while I fulfilled the dreams coming true in my own world of cookbooks, tv and endorsements.
When I worked for Cruise liners in the 90’s I met chefs from all around the globe on multiple ships in hundreds of destinations, and we saw all walks of life. Many had been broken from divorce, prison or bankruptcy and a few had overcome personal illnesses and battles such as alcoholism and depression to fight again on a cruise ship.
It was not until this time and after that I realized the cost to many of my friends. The ships are hard, but so is the career itself.
Today television and cooking schools glorify the trade like never before and make everything seem easy and possible. The truth is that a good career long lasting means years on your feet, sore ankles, tired muscles, and veins, lots of veins.
It also means seven day weeks, long days and suffering in silence, partners who don’t understand your commitment to food and many lost loves due to the same.
Today I stand on the precipice of a cliff called life and I hope that the edge does not give away. It has crumbled many times but it is holding strong. I have been on courses of drugs and now stand alone , I am healthy, fat but healthy and while sadness still envelops my world at times, I have a handle on its depth.
Today I look forward to the remainder of my career and thank in part my second career which few of you perhaps know exists, but I am a writer and words have been my outlet for anger, pain and angst.
16 cookbooks are just the tip of the iceberg really, there are thousands of pages of written material around the planet you may well have read that is mine, under a half dozen pseudonyms. I stopped writing for a decade from 2001 until 2009, but when the flood gates re-opened they did with force.
Officially there are 16 AARON MAREE titles , but under several other names there are books, cookbooks, articles and stories, and weekly newspaper columns about life, love and the world at large.
Why use other names. Because I do not seek fame, I just needed an outlet or many to which to commit my words. Drug addicts need drugs, alcoholics need booze, but me, I needed words and I needed to empty my head of them fast at times when the brain overflowed with thoughts and sadness.
Why not make a sideline career at the same time, it at least paid for the tablets and psychiatrist sessions.
We recently saw the death of Robin Williams the Comedian who took his own life at the height of depression, and over the years I can count a number of friends who have done the same. Cooking can be an unforgiving thankless mistress.
To those starting out and are starry eyed thanks to MASTERCHEF, and other shows, to those who are trapped within the walls of a kitchen praying to move forward and to anyone currently stuck at that precipice of what to do next, let me scream to you, that when time comes, please find your own avenue of expression, talk to friends and family or find medical advice.
There is no shame in tears. Forget ridiculous religious, cultural, gender and geographical norms and expectations for they will do you harm. It is okay for a man to cry?? Despite the words of my father. he too has shed tears these past few years, and times have changed. Stresses and speed of life have added to our burdens, so find your release, what ever it is, but always know that to talk about it, helps !!
Trust me!
I have spent more than a decade living with the "black dog of depression"as Sir Winston Churchill described it, and I have learnt to make it heel at last.
Life is precious but shortening it is not the answer and there is help and people who understand your angst, fears and needs. So speak out loud, and you will find a sympathetic ear. “Silence does not always mark wisdom.” So stated― Samuel Taylor Coleridge, to which I agree.
As well as a second career of words, there has also been my first love which has stood by me during the same period.
Artists need avenues of artistic expression and thankfully this 32 year old career has bode me well in that respect. Pastry is today more about art than ever before.
We have so many forms, plated desserts, deserts for banquets, a la carte, whole cakes, entremets, small cakes, canapés and mediums of numerous magnitude, chocolate, sugar, pastillage and so much more.
While I often bemoan the shortness of time in which I am asked to make some of the artwork I am required to produce as an Executive Pastrychef, it is much appreciated that I can. It is after all a better hour spent in chocolate than discussing lifes ills with psychotherapist. And instead of ending up with a used box of tissues, my artistry ends in something incredible and allows me time to reflect on life, its issues and the day unfolding.
I adore the world of food, cooking and pastisserie.
I am imperfect, I am not the most talented, but after 32 years in the pastry game, I am happy to look forward once again at the next few decades and am excited once again to think of what incredible pieces we might make together out of sweet ingredients.
Enjoy the pictures of most recent works and look forward to many more blogs on sweet issues.
While I often bemoan the immediacy and lack of warning on amenities for VIP guests, it is these delicious little works of art that assist me in my therapy. Time to use the brain in different ways and enjoy the silence of the chocolate room, is a sensational feeling and when a little edible artwork is the final result, pride, joy and a feeling of accomplishment returns to a happy pastry chef.
