RTMx3

RTMx3

The greatest moment of clarity I have ever known, was right before I died.

I have the honor or, misfortune, depending on how you view it, of belonging to an extremely elite group of people- those that know what it is to die, to remember the moment and to have returned and survived, unscathed.

It was July 2000, Seattle Washington, USA, a quick vacation away from our home in Vancouver, a lunch and coffee and a quick walk on a cold day.

I died from a combination of Anaphylactic shock, an over panicked good Samaritan who pumped an entire vial of epinephrine into my veins and unknowing Paramedics who upon arrival, gave me a full vial of adrenalin.

The combination of everything sent my Blood pressure spiraling downward, while my body high on adrenalin was panting so hard for breath I was burning a hole in my lungs, or so it felt. In the end, as a paramedic stared me in the face begging me to stay with them, I realized within myself how best to stop the intense pain in my lungs. I consciously chose to stop breathing.

As the paramedic spoke ,” BP below 50 , we are losing him”, I stopped trying to breathe.

The pain subsided, peace enveloped the hallway where I was stretchered and a sense of calm overcame the entire melee, I was without pain or fear, it was seductive and beautiful, in the words of Ronald Reagan, “to slip the surly bonds of earth”, and drift away.

My problem ever since is that it was such an amazing experience Id almost gladly do it again, any day of the week. A feeling that has become stronger every year since.

Even now, I sometimes just close my eyes, inhale, exhale and pretend it’s my last. It is freeing, relaxing, clarity.

And there lay the question of the millennium….what is life, if we can’t have the freedom to choose - ourselves - when to die.

 It does not have to be a morbid concept, but sometimes you’re just done with this life and its time. There are days that I confess I truly am, what I have come to term, RTMx3.

I belong to another small group- those who have seen the moment of their parents’ death. I viewed the CCTV footage of the moment that a stroke took the last breathe from my mother and she fell lifeless to the floor. They say some things remain with you forever that most certainly does, there is no rewind or delete in the minds eye.

Death has plagued my life, my best friend killed himself when we were both 20, we both had such amazing lives ahead of us, he lost his - I felt guilt whenever I enjoyed mine.

Suicide, natural death and accidents have claimed the most beautiful people I have had the pleasure and honor to meet, and to love. It saddens me sometimes to the extreme, and depression was a big part of my life for almost twenty years until I took a spiritual walk among the Incas and assailed Maccha Picchu and released the demons that had plagued me, otherwise known as guilt.

Had I not had such an amazing life and career, I may also feel differently. A need to do more, or achieve greater, earn more or to fight for a better tomorrow.

Truth is, my life has been blessed with fullness so much so that I feel greedy at times for the luck I have enjoyed. Twenty six years of Publishing, a solid career as a writer for newspapers and magazines for over 20 years , in addition to my primary career as a chef, investment good fortune and more travel than most would deem believe-able.

Before her death at 73, my mother had found the day to day routine of life to sometimes be dull and tiresome, she often asked me, ”Is this all there is?”. 

My mother was done with life. The one thing that gives me slight peace when I cry from missing her, is that she too was RTMx3. 

She was done living the life expected, caring for another, shopping for the daily goods, surviving until death would take her. 

When it did, I truly believe she was ready and happier to be at peace.

Like anything, these thoughts are not for all

We would not be individuals if we did not have individuality of thought.( and this is a personal blog- Im not asking for agreement, Im stating personal thoughts of me only)

I am not condoning suicide, although I believe it is a horrid name given to an act of freedom and choice we should all be allowed if so desired.

No one is right or wrong, its not that kind of decision or question. It’s a personal thing, that only the individual can know for themselves.

Some decide to wait until the end,; the dying breathe of older age before they relent or agree that time has come, I am just fine today, tomorrow or anytime a higher power so desires.

Some have the decisions made for them by destiny, accident or the hands of others, and then there are us , those who can profess loudly and proudly that we are RTMx3 a breed of people with the ultimate decision known that should tomorrow start without us, then all is good. We lived, we came, we saw and now when time comes, so be it, we are ready for what lay beyond.

We are not insane, we are clear of mind and solid of body, so much so that we are perhaps the best judges of life itself.

For myself, I have travelled widely, seen places of magic and mystery, laid on beaches so clear it is the stuff of others dreams, flown high, flown in balloons and jumped from planes, I have swum deep in the waters of Mexico, gamed fished off Hawaii and dipped my toes in the sands of more shores than most could desire to ever do. I have walked the trails of Incas and Chinese warriors, and seen more famous buildings that my bucket list ran dry before did I.

I have lived a life of freedom due to skill and luck, and throughout it all I have remained at the front end of my career and not yet lagged behind. I am my own teacher and student, and have been blessed to work with the best within my chosen field.

Simply put, I’ve lived more in one life than most. I’ve tired of the race , I’ve tired of the games and the needs of others, Im still forging ahead in the daily duties and requirements but I too wonder the same as my mother asked, “ Is this all there is ?”. 

Work, work, work, save, save, save – for what ? To be the richest person in the cemetary ?

To pass leaving others a treasure trove of condos and cash !

There just comes a time when enough is enough, and decisions need to be made. 

Freedoms sought.

And confessions made.

Like Winston Churchil stated decades before me

“I am prepared to meet my maker, whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me, is another matter”

And so speak I ........ I am RTM x3

I am  READY TO MEET MY MAKER…..at any time he so desires.

And when destiny strikes, Ill shake His hand and simply state, “what took so long?”

I leave you with words of another which I adore to listen to often;

When tomorrow starts without me

And I’m not there to see

If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me

I wish so much ; you wouldn’t cry

The way you did today

While thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you

And each time you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too

But when tomorrow starts without me

Please try to understand

That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand

And said my place was ready

in Heaven far above

And that Id have to leave behind - all those I dearly loved

But as I turned to walk away

A tear fell from my eye

For all my life Id always thought I didn’t want to die

I had so much to live for - So much left yet to do

It seemed almost impossible - that I was leaving you

I thought of all the yesterdays

The good ones and the bad I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had

If I could relive yesterday

Just even for a while

Id say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile

But then I fully realized that this could never be

For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.

And when I thought of all the things I might miss come tomorrow

I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow

And when I walked through Heavens gates

I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me from his great Golden throne

He said, “this is eternity and all I promised you”

Today you life on earth has passed

But here, life starts a new

I promise no tomorrow

But today will always last

And since each day is the same, there is no longing for the past”.

You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true

Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do

But you have been forgiven and now at last you ‘re free

So wont you come and take my hand and share my life with me….

Watch the amazing video on this link: (https://vimeo.com/105113459)